If you’re not careful, the workplace can start feeling like a high school cafeteria, except instead of food fights, you’re ready to fight whoever ate that lasagna you had on your mind since you clocked in.

It’s funny how civil adults can actually turn into additional characters in Rugrats when you say no to overtime, picking up someone else’s slack, or spreadsheets that turn into gossip columns, debating on who did what. Let’s tackle workplace fuckovers like an untouched blockbuster VCR tape. 

No Martinis With Your Coworkers

Sometimes you have coworkers that are cooler than an aunt with wine coolers and then there’s the coworkers that move as if they’re getting paid extra to be a certified snitch. I’m talking a bigger snitch than Randall from Recess (Gen-z, remember this show ?!). Coworkers are not your friends. Think twice about telling them you called out sick just to vacation in the Bahamas, because someone always has a red eye that is ready to initiate your downfall— like an old empire. We are not broadcasting stories like it’s a taping of the pilot episode of a new show. Sometimes you just have to drink water and mind your business because unless you do a proper vet like a credit card application asking for your social security number— everyone should be at level one of interaction. Being friendly is cool! Hell, I’m probably the friendliest person I know. However it’s an issue when being friendly turns into an energetic leak of set ups. 

HR May Be The Evil Queen With An Apple 

Document everything like a motherfucker! HR is only there to wrap the company up in glittery bows and shiny wrapping paper. You know the kind that you buy at the last minute when gift shopping for some secret Santa raffle. You need to document everything like it’s a journal entry that will be featured in a publication. Hours, breaks, scheduled shifts and any interactions need to be jotted down. Word of mouth isn’t anything because we want the proof typed out on paper. Promised pay raise? We’re going to need that in Times New Roman Font, size 12 on a crisp white printed paper indicating this. Approved vacation time in advance because you already got your tickets to a 7-day cruise? Yeah, send some proof because once I’m on a plane, my name is Bennett and I’m not in it. Do not indulge in any work details off the clock unless you’re being compensated in this tough as Home Depot planks environment (those things are really tough by the way!)

Boundaries Aren’t Evil. Just Set Them. 

Some companies believe that hard work equals more work or even worse….a pizza party! With one slice per person that you can only eat on your break. And to add insult to injury there is no wing platter included! At least be generous in your attempt to treat me as a fool—geez. If you don’t feel comfortable with a schedule then you have the right to object to it. You aren’t a 24-7 gas station that caters to everyone at any given time. You are a human being with a life outside of the daily grind. You do not jump like a pony doing tricks (an insult to ponies if we’re being honest). The workplace needs to honor your boundaries because good workplace etiquette doesn’t mean you’re a rope that can constantly be pulled to unveil more B.S. Stay firm and know that your job is privileged to have you, not the other way around.

 

Breathe and Stop Holding Your Breath

Don’t automatically freak out like you were just denied insurance coverage (Raise your hand if you’ve been there!). A workplace fuckover doesn’t need attention to birth itself into a living manifestation of your disdain. Sometimes you just need to say “Fuck this shit” and treat it like dust on some old cabinets. 

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